Setting Healthy Boundaries Both Postpartum and in Life.
In my previous blog post I touched on setting boundaries when discussing emotional health, but I wanted to dive into it deeper because it is important for your health, your partner's health and babies health. The amount of change that is coming to your world is huge and one of the best ways to ease into that is setting up some boundaries. This will allow for bonding with baby, self care for momma and direction for papa or partner on how to be helpful and involved. Boundaries will also help your friends and loved ones understand where they can help and when it may be too much. You may be wondering how will I know what my limits are?
With help from my friend and collogue Cynthia St Claire, who is a licensed therapist her in Denver at Wild Moon Integrative Therapies, we developed some strategies to start considering and thinking about boundaries and how to start setting them.
So lets start with what are boundaries? A definition of limits or borders; set by each individual; vary according to time, settings, relationships, and moods, and circumstances. What is & isn’t okay with you. Your own set of rules for interactions - with their own set of consequences.
It can be helpful to consider what type of boundaries you tend toward in general. Are your boundaries often diffuse, meaning you tend to fuse emotionally with others, have intense reactions to stress, and give to the point of your own detriment in relationships? Or conversely, do you tend to have rigid boundaries, meaning you typically resist change, are often overly independent, and unrealistically evaluate yourself? Knowing which side you are likely to fall on can help you to check your tendencies and come into more balance with firm but permeable boundaries.
Steps to support setting healthy boundaries
Feel into what you want your boundaries to be as a mother. What is it no longer okay for people to say and do around you or to you? What will you do if someone crosses a boundary?
Communicate when someone has crossed one of your newly established boundaries.
Commit to following through with your own consequences - even if the other person may be unhappy over it.
Consider altering your involvement in any relationship in which the person consistently disrespects the boundaries you have set.
Areas to Consider When Setting Boundaries
Visitation and visitors those first few days/weeks-perhaps establish a roughly set visiting time and duration. This will allow everyone rest and minimal exposure to germs
House chores & shopping-delegate out or say “screw it can wait.” These are great things for the grandparents, godparents, brother-in-law and sister-in-law to do, siblings close friends.
Self-care- Prioritize some self care. This can be as simple as holding firm to the rule of you sleep when baby sleep (the dishes, laundry, cooking, etc can wait), or taking the time for your sitz bath, letting papa or partner take baby and you take a shower all alone in the quiet. Do something that feels good and helps you heal. Ok, even if that means just laying quietly and staring at your beautiful baby for hours, but do it while someone else makes you food!
Giving yourself permission to rely on your partner and support system, whoever that may be. Its ok and great to use what ya got. In fact, I am pretty sure that partners are especially ready to dive into being a part of things now that baby is on the outside.
It is critical, even with young children, to carve out sacred time for yourself. Even if it’s just five minutes a day or one hour a week, you need time to come back to yourself -without your baby. We suggest a special space in your home where you can get quiet and be uninterrupted. You may laugh at this, but we promise it is possible. It might require some work on the front end to delegate to your partner, family, or friends and to ask for what you really need. And the impact of time for yourself is invaluable!
My hope is that you can take some of this information and apply it to your postpartum care or even just your everyday life. I believe that with setting some boundaries and more clearly defining your limits you can reduce your stress, clam your mind, get help when you need it and over all feel good about where you are.
Warm wishes -Serena